Select Ponderings

Warning:  Reading this will not permit you to remain in a bad mood.

Q:  How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up on It.

Q:  How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.

Q:  How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take the Psychopath

Q:  How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil the Hell Out Of It

Q:  What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

Q:  What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting on The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

Q:  What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

Q:  What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

Q:  What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

Q:  What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quatro Cinco.

Q:  What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

Q:  What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

Q:  What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Shipwreck.

Q:  What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Q:  Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

Q:  Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

Q:  Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

Q:  What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

Q:  What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

Q:  Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

Q:  What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

 Q:  How are a Texas Tornado and a Tennessee Divorce the Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

Final thought:

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Congress Set to Consider Six Day Week

Bills introduced in both the House and Senate last week if approved would change the United States to a six day week, eliminating Mondays. 

Advocates of the legislation including a large contingent of Monday critics are set to lobby for the legislation which they claim will have far reaching positive effects on American society.   

Some of the advantages they cite are:

• A shorter work week resulting in better worker morale and enthusiasm.
• Elimination of Monday, consistently rated by the American public as the worst day of the week.
• “Hump Day” would no longer be required as we would be either moving into the work week or winding it down.
• Seven percent less work days during the year, 243 vs 260 resulting in 7% more jobs available.
• Less hydrocarbon consumption, air pollution and wasted time through the elimination of 7% of workday rush hours.
• 17% more weekend days, 122 vs 104, resulting in more leisure time and increased recreational and tourism jobs.
• 18 more Sundays during the year meaning people will attend church and synagogue more often resulting in a more educated and pious religious population, plus more church revenue.

Opponents of the shorter week have cited numerous problems with the concept including “it’s change, and we’re against that”, and “it wasn’t my idea so I’m against it”.

The legislation is being promoted by the grass roots movement Occupy Couches Everywhere (OCE) which favors the shorter week primarily because of the increased leisure time.  Other supporters include The Amalgamated Tourism Workers Union (ATWU) citing more tourism jobs, and the Professional Organization of English Majors (POEM) who cite the increased availability of leisure time increasing the demand for literature of all types.

Critics include Coffee producers who are afraid a sharp decline in coffee consumption will accompany the reduction in work days.  Drug companies also oppose the measure due to its potential impact on anti-depressive drug sales as people find out there is life outside of the workplace after all.

Politicians are generally lining up along party lines with Republicans opposing the legislation mainly because of its potential impact on contributions from big corporations due to the reduced number of work days, and Democrats favoring the concept for its populist appeal and the increased free time for citizens to volunteer for political campaigning.  Some independents and third party politicos are pushing to make the legislation retroactive to the first of the year which would result in a windfall of as many as 18 weekend days in 2011.  Yet to be worked out is the issue of who would be available to run the stores for holiday shopping.

If the legislation is adopted here in the US, countries around the world are expected to follow suit and adopt the shorter week in order to demonstrate that their intelligence is at least equal to or better than that of the United States.

Debate will begin sometime next week according to House Speaker John Boehner and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

Governor Scott Moves to Ban All Passenger Rail From State

Amtrak Auto Train

Governor Scott today announced a three-part plan that will eventually rid the state of Florida of all passenger rail service which Scott termed “an outmoded 20^th Century concept that should be abandoned just like the horse and buggy.”

Scott’s initiative will:

1. Cease all work and cancel all contracts on the SunRail commuter train.  Monies in escrow for the purchase of the right of way from CSX will be withdrawn and returned to FDOT to be used for more and bigger roads and highways which Scott termed “the mode of travel for tomorrow’s Florida”.  Scott’s goal is to pave over 50% of the state by the year 2050.  “50 by 50” is his new transportation campaign slogan.  “Floridians should have the freedom to drive wherever they want.  Paving over a significant portion of the state will go a long way toward that goal and put people back to work”, said Scott.
2. Shut down the Tri-rail commuter train now operating in Miami-Dade, Broward and Palm Beach counties.  Scott termed this action “long overdue since this has been a money losing proposition from the start”.  Scott has proposed adding two additional lanes each direction to I-95 through the three counties to give residents, tourists and commuters “more than ample highway trip capacity” for the transportation corridor.  “This will save the taxpayer’s tens of thousands of dollars every year”, Scott said.
3. Submit proposed legislation to the Florida House and Senate to ban Amtrak from the state and request Florida’s share of Amtrak subsidies be returned to the state for highway construction.  “Amtrak is another money loser that does nothing for Florida’s job growth.”  Amtrak boardings increased 8.9% last year to 1.08 million passengers.  But Scott termed this performance “unacceptably low when compared to growth in SUV and pickup trips which continue to grow in double digits.  Besides, Amtrak poses too much of a risk to Florida citizens since motorists are struck by trains all too often”.  Scott added, “Getting rid of the frequent Amtrak trains will facilitate travel on our streets and highways since Florida taxpayers won’t have to stop to let the trains pass.  In addition we can reclaim the rail right of ways for more highways.”

After making the passenger rail announcement, Scott gave some insight into future plans: “Our long-term goal will be to eliminate rail from the state entirely.  Moving freight by truck will create more jobs.  No more locomotives belching diesel smoke or long freight trains delaying motorists at crossings.” Scott said.  “Rail has a long history of being at the government feeding trough”, he stated.  “Right from the very start when the railroads accepted large land grants to build rails into the plains states they’ve received government subsidies.  It’s time we ended this largesse and get the government out of the rail business.”

Scott’s also made this comment regarding buses:  “We’re looking closely at bus transit.  There isn’t a transit system in the state that isn’t sucking up the taxpayer’s money.  We should find ways to make them profitable or shut them down.  The money that goes into keeping these losers alive could be used to build more roads and put people to work.”

Scott made his announcement and comments to an enthusiastic crowd of Tea Party supporters during a rally in Starke, Florida.  As he departed for his private jet to return to Tallahassee the crowd chanted:

No more rail
No more pain
No more sittin’
Waitin’ on the train